The Dumb electorate.

Our politicians, if given a chance could be the best explosive experts. They are good at diffusing bombs. For almost a year, the entire nation talked about the Jan Lokpal and how corruption affects every common man. There was a spurt in the RTI requests being filed by the civil society. Scams were unearthed on a regular basis and some very big names, who thought they were beyond the law of land, tasted jail food. Doesn’t matter if you are a supporter of Anna and Kejriwal or not, you have to give it to them for making corruption a serious issue for the people.
 

The government scrambled. It was a new situation for every party. What followed was lathi-charge, ban on SMSes and online censorship. For once, even the diehard “Iss desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta(Nothing’s going to change)” brigade sat down and listened. 

image source:http://www.cartoonistsandeep.com/

Then came the U.P elections. One announcement from one leader and the entire equation changed. Forget Lokpal,forget CWG scam, forget Bhatta Parsaul,forget even the lawlessness in UP, the only thing that seems to matter for the parties and the people is the minority quota in the OBC category.

I am not a supporter of blind reservation given in our country. It’s a sham until it’s complimented with robust education and employment opportunities. This is the reason why almost 49% reservation in India hasn’t been able to produce the desired effect.

The politicians have a point in keeping us illiterate, unemployed and divided on caste and communal lines. It makes their task easier. They can get votes en bloc. It’s easy to make a hungry man follow you blindly by showing him bread. The hungry man will not ask you why you can’t assure a constant supply of food for him. He won’t even ask why you can’t teach him to make bread. He is hungry, and he needs that loaf. Our netas know this too well. They know that no matter what wrong they do to us and this country, by the time they reach our doorsteps for votes, we will be hungry, thanks to their flawed policies since Independence. They throw us the bread, and we grab it, without realizing that it’s made from our own sweat and blood.

Coming to the UP polls. The Sacchar committee report had suggested that Muslims in India do not have adequate representation in government jobs. To an outsider, this might seem strange. How can the second largest Muslim population in the world be marginalized in its own country? This is the exact question the Muslims need to ask themselves and their leaders. They must ask why the government hasn’t tried to make them a part of the mainstream. They must ask why the same government that is over-zealous in granting funds for Madrasas has refrained from opening CBSE affiliated schools in their areas. They must ask why the government always plays to the gallery for the hardliners in their community and not the common Muslim whose daily concern is same as mine-a decent life. And at last, they must ask themselves, why do they vote and follow such leaders.

The Hindus need to get their house straight too. Do we realize we’re turning into a bunch of over sensitive sissies? When did Hinduism become weak enough to be offended by a mere painting of some old man or the words of  TV commentator in the U.S? When did we start getting polarized in the name of saving our religion? The Ghajnis and Ghoris killed millions of Hindus, but not Hinduism. If we become just like them, they will have finally won.

We are not supposed to be like this. We are supposed to think sanely. Reservations might get us jobs. But knowledge will empower us. If the Dalits and the Muslims are properly educated, they won’t need the crutches of reservation.  I won’t talk about the Ganga-Jamuni tehzeeb and the stories of friendship between Hindus-Muslims. I won’t even talk about that Ram in Ramzan and Ali in Diwali. I don’t think we are kids to be swayed by stories. I will just say that unless we do away with this mutual disrespect and hatred for each other due to religion or caste, we will be taken for ride by any and every corrupt politician. They don’t respect us because they know we can be easily fooled and made to bay for each other’s blood. They know we will fight for our Gods instead for our hungry kids. They know we don’t realize its God protecting us and not the other way round. 

It’s time we refuse to be their pets. Let’s not run after every bread thrown at us. We want serious development in all spheres. We mean business. Do not look at our freedom fighters for inspiration. They were against a formidable enemy. The one we face today can be cut to size by a wise choice we make on that voting machine.

-Kunal Anand

What does democracy mean to me?

I was tempted to start this post with the Gettysburg address by Abraham Lincoln. “Of the people, by the people, for the people.” is an interesting idea taught in the junior school civics books. But as we grow up,we learn that many things that we believed as kids are not true. For me,it started with knowing that Santa isn’t real.The thought made me sad.But soon,I realized that even though there wasn’t any jolly,old man living at the North Pole, the idea of Santa was very real.Why do kids love Santa?Gifts,right? And gifts they get,year after year,from their parents and neighbours. 
 

As I grew up and observed the world's largest democracy,I was in for a heartbreak(again). The Lincoln definition didn’t hold true. Few governments were formed by the people.Elections were mostly about money and muscles.Few governments were of or cared for the people.It was all about making money, and securing a seat for relatives and sons.

I was disillusioned. But,like in case of Santa,I realized that it’s not about corrupt politicians and bureaucrats, it’s about the idea of democracy. And that idea is alive in form of Rights,Freedom and Responsibilities.

Rights and Freedom(citizens):Human rights and freedom are fundamental to a democracy.In India and in U.S,the major reason behind a vibrant democracy is the rights granted to the citizens by the constitution. Democracy is about the right to choose my own God,call Him by a name I like and pray to Him the way I deem fit. It’s also about the right not to choose a God. Democracy is about the right to live with dignity.A society wherein no one is targeted because of his/her race,gender,ethnicity or religion.

 A government might  try to curtail these rights. The recent debate on online censorship being a case in point.  The beauty of a functioning democracy is the right to protest against such initiatives. Those sitting in the higher echelons of power might miss the cries of a few individuals. But when the entire nation shouts,they mean business. My idea of democracy gives its citizens a right to shout,to be heard and respected.Ppeople might be wrong at times.But in a democracy,that’s no reason to shut anyone’s voice. Democracy is freedom.

Rights and Freedom(Government): A strong government is integral to a strong democracy. Government has to be free from undue international and political pressures. If it’s vulnerable to arm-twisting by fringe elements,it can never deliver good governance.

 A strong opposition is essential to keep the government from turning in an autocracy. They work as conscience-keepers of the government. It’s their right to protest when they feel the government is wrong.Its the responsibility of the government to negotiate in such situations instead of acting haughty.

Responsibilities(Citizens): Unbridled rights without responsibility is of no use. My freedom of speech doesn’t mean I can shower abuses at others. My freedom of religion doesn’t mean I can deride the followers of other faiths. As Spiderman’s(I was sad  when I realized he too isn’t real and his closest substitute is Barack Obama) uncle said-“With great powers,come great responsibilities”. 

 Democracy gives us great powers.If you think I am exaggerating,turn  your eyes(and nose) to Egypt,Libya, and other Middle East regimes. Smell jasmine? The monarchs,who had subdued every legitimate aspiration of their countrymen,are tumbling down. Thousands have laid their lives fighting for the same basic civil rights that we take for granted. 

The rights we get have to be complimented with certain responsibilities to make a democracy tick. Be it the responsible use of public services like transport,water,electricity or choosing our words wisely so as not to hurt other. So how do we know whether we are being responsible or not? Just make sure that our actions and words aren’t infringing upon someone else’s rights.

Responsibilities(Government): This one’s the favourite part of many of us. We all want an honest and responsible government. In large and diverse countries like India and the U.S,a responsible government is necessary to keep the nation united and on the right track. A few wrong moves and what you get is a massive civil society agitation or a dark Wikipedia page making it very difficult to complete your child’s homework. The best way to live happily ever after is to stick to the books(constitution) and provide Justice,Liberty,Equality,Fraternity to the people.

My description of democracy might not be complete.But these are the things I feel are crucial to the idea of a vibrant democracy. There are nations that have failed to sustain this form of governance as they missed on one or the other of these points. And how does India fair on the democratic scale? Fairly good. We have never had a coup,and since independence,there has been just one incident of breakdown of the democratic machinery at the centre. But there’s a long way to go. We still need to address the grievances of fellow Indians who have turned to armed struggles. We still need to control the spate of farmers suicides and feed our malnourished kids. We have to assure the common man that it’s safe to venture out of home and that the police and the intelligence will protect him from getting blown up in a terror attack. He needs to be assured that a water or electricity connection is his basic right and no bribe is necessary for the same. His daughter must not be deprived of a seat in the medical college because of her caste or lack of capitation fee. He needs his basic rights and freedom. But the catch is,the common man must understand that the state can’t be overthrown by pelting stones or raising an army of tribal insurgents.He needs to channelize his anger.He needs to vote ,and vote wisely. He is as accountable for electing the right government representative as the government is for addressing his aspirations.

The idea called democracy is enchantingly beautiful. With a little intelligent work by each one of us, we can make it a perfect reality.

Honesty of convenience.

Our flat in Delhi wasn’t having a dedicated water connection. The owner had applied for it and after getting the necessary approval from the Delhi Jal Board (who were very co-operative), today, the process of making the connection was started. When the workers started to dig a small stretch of the road to make the connection, a policeman on his Royal Enfield arrived. He demanded to see the necessary papers. Our papers were still with a man who was responsible to get it from the Jal Board. I called up the guy and he said it would take him an hour to come with the papers. The policeman started getting restless. My neighbors talked to him and  suggested me and my friend to give him some ‘Chai-paani’ and get the work done. But we didn’t. I said that since we had the proper documents, we would prefer to wait for an hour than to grease the palms of a government employee. The policeman used his time to eat a few oranges (without paying of course) from a roadside vendor. My resolve not to bribe him strengthened. My neighbours said that he might ask us to visit the police station if we didn’t pay him. We were game for it as we had done nothing wrong.

Finally, the papers arrived after 45 minutes and the policeman left. We felt good and proud for having resisted the temptation to get the work done the easy way by bribing. But one question that disturbs me is, what would I have done in case I didn’t have the proper papers? There have been instances in the past when I have paid the ticket-checker in the train to get a berth in case I didn’t have a confirmed seat. Even for my driver’s license, I paid an agent as I wanted it quick. Isn’t my honesty and uprightness all about convenience? I guess most of us do the same. It’s difficult to resist the temptation. After all, if spending a few extra bucks saves us all the headaches of standing in a queue or waiting for months for an LPG connection, then so be it.

The bigger question is, if we do so, then what right do we have to call a government corrupt or a policeman greedy? From where I see it, if they are the ones asking for bribes, it’s we, standing at the other hand,ever-eager to oblige them.

Poonam Pandey to declare her assets in support of Lokpal.

(This post is a work of fiction, and the writer doesn't intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or sentiments. So don’t give too much of serious thought to it. Happy reading !)

 In a not-so shocking  development, Twitter-model Poonam Pandey has promised to declare her assets in support of a strong Lokpal. In her first tweet of 2012, she said-“Gm  tweeple! Am gonna declare my “assets” soon to support Nana’s version of Lokpal.Keep watching ths space!” Times of India,the official sponsor of Poonam pandey was quick to cash on this news. They put up a slideshow of Poonam’s self-shot photos  even  before the tweet went live. Reporter Chatur Chintu met the pretty lass in her bathtub while she was self-shooting her next movie. Here’s what Poonam had to say about her latest patriotic move-

Chatur: Hello Poonam. Your tweet has raised a storm. What’s with this “Nana’s version of Lokpal”? Nana Patekar has denied preparing any lokpal draft!

Poonam(PP): Nana patekar! I meant Nana Anna  Hazare! You see,I am from a very cultured society. In our family,we never address our elders by their names. Since Anna ji is of my grandfather’s age,I refer to him as nana.

Chatur: How do you think that the declaration of your wealth and property can help in passage of a strong Lokpal bill?

PP: Listen. I am a middle class Indian girl. The only wealth I have is my “Izzat”. Haven’t you heard that “Sharam toh aurat ka gehna hai”?  Just like I used this wealth to inspire Dhoni and co. to win the world cup in 2011, I hope to inspire Sibbal and co. to pass a strong Lokpal bill in 2012.

Chatur: But don’t you think you have declared every bit of whatever little wealth you had?

PP: LOL! What I have already declared is like what Sharad Pawar declared as his wealth last year. I am the Sharad Pawar of glamour world.There’s a lot more to me than you have seen kid.

Chatur: Our readers will agree with your last observation. You and Pawar arouse the same emotions in their hearts and hands. One suggestion,never meet Harvinder Singh. Anyways, what exactly are you planning to do?

Poonam with the 'India' tattoo,soon to be replaced by the 'ISO' logo.

PP: My team has planned a photo-shoot where I will declare all my “assets”. We are in talks with the International Organization for Standardization to use their logo on my arm.

Chatur: What? You want your photo to be ISO certified?

PP: If that fake model Veena from Pakistan can get Indian Statistical Institute(ISI) to tattoo her arm and certify her ugly pictures, why can’t I get an international certification for a good cause? That will be all.Thank you.

Meanwhile,Arvind Kejriwal has denied reports that his team has approached Poonam to lend her support to the cause. He suggested that it was former member Swami Agnivesh’s trick.”He was the only one from our team to have a personal rapport with Poonam “.

 Kapil Sibbal has said that such antics will have no bearing on Congress MPs as they are so loyal to the High Command,they never think kinky even about their own wives. However,he was apprehensive about what effect Poonam’s assets will have on MPs from RJD and SP . Rahul Gandhi refused to comment citing the adult content of the question. Digvijay Singh has suggested that Poonam should tattoo ‘RSS’ on her arms and take the phrase ‘RSS ka haath hai’ to an entirely new level.  

P.S: While the political class,the people and Poonam Pandeys  scheme about how to get a Lokpal of their choice and convenience, Anna Hazare,the man who made ‘Lokpal’ a dream of every Indian has been hospitalised due to poor health. 

-Kunal Anand

Pawar’s daughter slaps Harvinder Singh on Facebook !

(This post is a work of fiction, and the writer doesn't intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or sentiments. So don’t give too much of serious thought to it. Happy reading !)

Harvinder Singh, the man who slapped hon’ble Agriculture minister Sharad Pawar was paid back in his own coin by Pawar’s  daughter and M.P Supriya Sule. She slapped him 72 times on Facebook using Slapster. “One slap for every year of my papa’s entire life”, said Sule, clearing the rumours that the number ‘72’ had anything to do with the 72 virgins promised to jihadists in heaven.

De Ghuma Ke!

Supriya hosted a press conference in Mumbai after her endeavour. “This was necessary. A lesson had to be taught to anti-nationals and anti-Marathis. You just can’t go around slapping the leaders of our country. After all that they have done for our nation, this is the way you pay them?” She asked with tears in her eyes. When asked how she found Harvinder on Facebook, Supriya replied with her trademark “I am so intelligent” smile,” It wasn’t that difficult. I searched his name, and the first profile to come up had the status message-“ Slapped another corrupt *** today.Chun-Chun ke maarunga!Bhagat Singh ki Jai !” . Anna Hazare and 462 others like this.  “I sent him a friend request from a dummy profile named-“Sharad Pawar ko aur maar”. The fool fell for it. After that, it was my hand and his cheek.”

Meanwhile, the protests by NCP cadres have now shifted from the streets of Maharashtra to walls of Facebook. Many people with surname “Singh” have reported receiving anonymous friend requests with semi-nude profile pictures. When some people accepted such friend request in lure of viewing entire photo albums, they were bombarded with “Jai Maharashtra” and “Sharad Pawar Jindabad” posts. Many of them were victims of Slapster too. Things took an ugly turn when one activist going by the name “Miss Minority” slapped Digvijay Singh by mistake. Digvijay was quick to brand her an RSSian.

Sharad Pawar has appealed to Supriya and NCP activists to refrain from any retaliatory action. He has forgiven Harvinder Singh too. When Chatur Chintu, who is lodged in Tihar for defaming KRK in his last article(http://www.fakingnews.com/2011/10/krk-refuses-to-play-g-one-in-bhojpuri-remake-of-ra-one/) talked to Harvinder , the man said,” When the families of  200,000 farmers who have committed suicide in the last 10 years haven’t forgiven him., who is Pawar to forgive me? I will slap him again if given a chance. Even A.Raja and Kalmadi have lent their support to me because Pawar never supported them.”

Asked about Supriya Sule’s Slapster exploits,Harvinder smiled and said,”72 Pawar ki,Ek Sardar ki”. J

Kunal Anand

Narendra Modi joins Congress!!!

(This post is a work of fiction, and the writer doesn't intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or sentiments. So don’t give too much of serious thought to it. Happy reading ! J . )

In a secular turn of events, Gujarat CM and the Congress certified communal leader Narendra Modi has decided to join the Congress party. This development has shocked political pundits and maulvis alike. In the recent months, Modi has refused to eat on various occasions out of sheer frustration of being the only communal leader in the country. These hunger strikes were marketed by the BJP as Sadbhavna Missions. Modi has tried everything, even development of Gujarat to earn the “Secular certificate” from Congress, but, despite making Gujarat the fastest growing state, his efforts have found few takers in the Secular Core Committee of Congress party headed by Digvijay Singh and Jagdish Tytler. His own party has done little to help him. BJP is too happy to have many candidates who are fit to be the PM (the only problem is they don’t have the majority).

Stung by the secularists and spurned by his own party, Modi today announced his decision to join Congress. “I am a Con(gressi) and I am not a communalist” is what Narendrabhai said after meeting the goddess of secularism, Sonia Gandhi. His new look of wearing the skull cap, the holy cross and red tika has found instant takers among the Muslims, Christians and Middle class Hindus who are going gaga over his change of heart.

“Today is a great day. Insha’Allah, we will change the heart of every kafir with our goodwill”, said the separatist leader Ahmed Shah Geelani, who was in Delhi for his monthly dialysis.

 Modi addressed a press conference outside the most famous shrine of secularism-10, Janpath. When Chatur Chintu asked him why he chose only Congress, Modi said-“When it comes to secularism, Congress is Teflon. No charges of communalism or rioting sticks to them. Be it the 1984 anti-Sikh riots, the Bhagalpur riots, the Babri demolition under Narsimha’s regime, dozens of tiny disturbances in Mau,Merrut or the ethnic cleansing of Kashmiri Pandits from the valley, Congress comes clean every time. Their unshaken faith in the Gandhi family, who, by virtue of their surname are the most secular human beings, keeps the Congressis from turning communal. As a BJP member, I have been run down for the last 9 years as a fascist, while the Congress leaders accused of participating in Gujarat riots still enjoy secular credentials. By joining the only party authorized to declare people secular, I have earned VISA rights to USA.”

Meanwhile, the congress party is overwhelmed at having snatched the last leader BJP had. Manish Tiwari declared that Modi is drenched in secularism from head to toe. Kapil Sibbal has promised to come up with a zero loss theory that will prove that not a single life was lost during Gujarat riots. Rahul Gandhi told reporters to ask Wikileaks about his opinion. Digvijay Singh claimed that it was a plot of RSS and the Nazis. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said he had no knowledge about any such development. Sonia Gandhi just smiled and flashed the victory sign. J

(I hope this imaginary satire doesn’t hurt the sentiments of anyone. )

Bharat and India

The recent farmer agitation in Noida brought back the memories of Singur. It was an agitation of poor hapless farmers who are expected to sell their land (which has been in their family for generations) in exchange for cash and sometimes, a job.  We might have varied opinion on land acquisition policies of our governments. Some of us accept it as a necessary evil to make way for the new modern India that needs roads, factories and high-rises for her latest tryst with destiny to become a superpower.

Yet there are those of us who find it unjustifiable to take away land from their owners all in the garb of development. Add to this the political games played on such sensitive spots. Singur became a battlefield between the CPI (M) and Trinmool Congress cadres. Most of the dead were common villagers. Similar struggles in Chattisgarh,Orissa and Jharkhand has helped the Maoists to expand their base among poor tribals who are being uprooted from their centuries old homes to make way for mines and steel plants.

Instead of forming a fair land acquisition policy (the current policy is cumbersome and vague and Governments can manipulate it to suit the interests of their corporate partners), our politicians use every agitation to fulfill their own designs. Riding on the Singur wave, Trinmool Congress has overthrown 34 years of communist rule in Bengal. But the ultimate losers have been the people of Singur. When Trinmool picked up the issue, the TATA Nano plant had already been constructed. Instead of working for an amicable compromise, the stubbornness of Mamta Banerjee forced the TATA’s to leave Singur. What’s left behind is a large swathe of concrete covered land that is now unfit for cultivation. At the same time, people have been deprived of jobs that they had got in the TATA plant.

In Noida, C.M Mayawati ordered the police to arrest the leader of the farmers. There were also reports of police lathi charge on the protesters. So much for a leader who claims to be the messiah of the Dalit and downtrodden.  Enter the poster boy of Indian polity, Rahul Gandhi. He sat with the farmers and declared that he is ashamed to call himself an Indian. Considering that his family and his party has ruled this country for most of the time since independence, a more accurate confession would have been that he is ashamed to belong to a party and family whose policies have made him ashamed of being an Indian. A strange thing about Rahul’s support to such causes is that he always comes to the forefront when the issue pertains to non-congress governments. He will weep for the tribals of Chhattisgarh and Noida, but keeps mum over lakhs of farmer’s suicides in Vidarbha,Maharashtra. He will call Mayawati a tyrant but his party will go hand in glove with BSP to stall the report of the Joint Parliamentary Committee on 2G scam.

This kind of double standard pervades all the parties. The problem is the opportunistic mentality of politicians and businessmen. Instead of giving the owners of land their due, they try to shortchange them. Just cash won’t be enough when you are taking away a man’s only source of income. He must be given a proper job too. If he doesn’t have the required education, he must be trained instead of being made a watchman on the gates of factories. We also need to control our greed for useless urban expansion. Few years ago, a study showed that more than half the malls in Gurgaon are suffering losses due to lack of consumers. This is bound to happen when you have a shopping mall at every intersection.

"The soul of India lives in its villages", declared M. K. Gandhi at the beginning of 20th century. According to the 2011 Indian census, 70% of Indians still live in villages. It’s possible that our ivory tower existence in the cities, coupled with round the clock display of urban India in the media might make us think that this country is all about big cities and towering glass buildings. But the truth is that we make a small minority of the real India. The real India works overtime to grow food grains while we “LOL” on Facebook. It gives this country the much needed green cover in these times of global warming. Without this real India, we will be forced to believe that real mango means a bottle of Maaza. Even if we can’t appreciate these facts, the truth remains that those people whose land is taken away forcefully are no less Indians than any one of us. They too have the same rights. They too deserve the same dignity. It’s time the government, corporate world and the urban Indians develop a sympathetic attitude towards the sensitive issue of farmland acquisition.

-Kunal Anand